Kinder Eggs Suck

 

Over the Easter weekend I bought some Kinder Eggs. Nobody had gifted me actual Easter eggs, you see, so I went to the local shop intent on buying myself the biggest egg I could find. The shop was out of Easter eggs. The lady was very sorry. "We have Kinder Eggs", she said. I grabbed two and also a Creme Egg.

As a child, I rather liked Kinder Eggs. The idea of building complex little toys hatched from tasteless chocolate eggs was quite compelling. The adverts showed happy, old-fashioned German children with blonde bowl haircuts, beaming with delight upon successfully assembling mini masterpieces, maybe a plastic electron tunnelling microscope or a Smurf with a positronic neural brain. I swear that one of my friends once got a tiny, working dialysis machine for use with ill goldfish. That was the thing with Kinder Eggs - you just didn't know what you'd get and this was potentially life-changing for a child.
 
The good folks at Kinder must have devoted considerable resource to working out funky new stuff to put inside their eggs. After all, their product certainly needed a big unique selling point. It was a known fact that the plastic inner shell was actually more tasty than the outer chocolate shell. From a gastronomic perspective, Creme Eggs totally beat Kinder Eggs. It was all about the toy.
 
With this in mind, you can imagine my considerable excitement at having two Kinder Eggs to play with. I ripped off the foil and prized open each egg. I scoffed the chocolate and, once I'd finished throwing up, squeezed open the little yellow inner shells. Disappointment #1. The plastic shells have been "updated". The old ones could be used as weapons - popping apart with such force that they left holes in ceilings. These new ones have a safety mechanism to prevent this. How dull. Disappointment #2. The toys have been "updated". Both eggs yielded utterly turgid gifts with absolutely no assembly required. For your interest, here is what I got:
 
 

 

That's right. A bulldog wearing a banana hat and a jolly beaver. Quite why the dog is wearing such colourful Caribbean attire is unknown, as is the reason for the beaver's jollity. To say that I was disappointed with these two "gifts" is an understatement. I realised, with great sadness, that the Kinder Egg 2.0 is totally impotent and soul-crushingly pointless.

 

So here's what I did...

• I went back to the shop and castigated the lady for suggesting Kinder Eggs
• I bought one more Kinder Egg and stormed back home
• I carefully unpeeled it and separated the chocolate shell, discarding the inner plastic containing the toy (I didn't even open it)
• I unpeeled the Creme Egg and inserted it inside the Kinder Egg
• I reassembled the Kinder Egg's shell and re-wrapped it

 
You may think these are the actions of a deranged man. You may be right. However, I had fixed the Kinder Egg. Now there was something inside that everyone would want - a Creme Egg. This engastration of children's confectionery might catch on, rather like when Jamie Oliver did a 'turducken' - a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. Even if it doesn't; I don't care. I have the ultimate Kinder Egg.